New York reisst mich auseinander.Fasern verliere ich unterwegs
Ich trenne mich auf
Reibe mich auf An New York.Was bleibt über?Die dünnere Ida?Die ältere Ida?Die weisere Ida? Die leisere Ida? Bitte nicht.Bleibe ich über oder unter?Unter meinem Niveau?Unter meinen Erwartungen? Oder unter den Erwartungen von jemand anderem.Wieso überhaupt Erwartungen?Wieso das dauernde Streben nach dem Erreichen, dem Ankommen, dem Es-recht-machen?Mir machts doch auch nicht jeder Recht. Und das ist vermutlich gut so.Oder rede ich mir das nur ein.New York reisst mich auseinander.In Stücke.Werd ich wieder komplett sein, wenn ich in Austria aus dem Flieger steig?
Listen to the seaThe waves hitting the rocksThe wet sand
And the screaming sea mews
Flying over my head
Smell the seaThe water and the salt
The sunlotionAnd the icecreamMelting in my hand
Feel the seaThe sand beneath my toes
The sun
And the oceansprayWashing around my ankles
Dream the sea
The poetryThe freedom
And the immortalitySteadying me in my unsteady life
I realized that writing is only then fun for me when I am the one to decide what to write. Short stories, song lyrics, poems, creative writing. I enjoy letting my mind wander and making up situations and happenings. Even if I am not allowed to choose the exact topic. I’m fine with that. I know I am also able to interpret texts such as poems, stories and articles.
I have a hard time writing about topics I am not interested in. I know that I will have to do that throughout my entire life – especially at university. And of course I will do it and put efford in whatever I will have to write. But I don’t have to like it. Some topics or home assignments I like, some I don’t.
I also realized that feedback is essential – as long as it is supportive. Writing has been a part of my life. A huge part. Even more since I came here. I write every day, in my journal, on my stories, on the internet. It is an opportunity to transport my feelings and experiences, especially since I am so far away from home. I of course want my parents, friends, boyfriend to know how I feel over here and what has been happening since I got off the plane.
Writing can be challenging. When I write my private stuff I usually don’t write more than one draft, except when I write lyrics for my songs. They have to fit the music and some words just do not sound nice when sung. In my stories or poems, I try to find the ‘perfect’ word. That may take a minute, sometimes an hour or even a day. Even a week sometimes. I just want it to be as close to perfect as possible – perfect for ME. If I read a story later and don’t like it the way I wrote it, I would simply write a new one. I like to go back after some time and read my stuff again. I think there are other ways to develop writing skills or even a story than to write draft three or four. I know that this is helpful when it comes to work written for university though, it teaches you to write for university purposes.
I again learned that tastes are different, and I think this is a lecture I will be running into again and again. I am happy when somebody gets what I try to transport with a story but taste is different and that is good. I get frustrated sometimes when I am unable to find the words in English which I would want to use. I can express myself way better in German of course.
I think after this class I am even more sure that writing will always be important to me. Even if I am the only one who reads my stuff. For me it is not about the positive feedback, the compliments or the criticism. I simply need to write. What brings me back to the title of the first essay of the semester: The Need to Write – no Chance to Resist.
